Playing Mortal Kombat online is exactly something new any longer, but it was definitely something that the hardcore fans dreamed about back in the ‘90s. Even though it is pretty cool to play Deception, Armageddon, and MK vs. DCU online, the desire to play the oldschool titles online is definitely still there. Thankfully, Xbox Live has answered our demands.

But, as most would guess, online play is exactly the same as playing at the arcades as many older gamers - like myself - can recall. The control scheme isn’t the same, the environment isn’t the same, and the interaction between players definitely isn’t the same. This is why I present to you, the reader, my guide to Surviving Ultimate MK3 On Xbox Live and How Not to Be A Douche.

It’s extremely important to know how your characters play and feel in any Mortal Kombat game, but the MK 3/Trilogy games are more important than any of them in this category. The rounds in Ultimate MK3 go extremely fast, and you’ll end up on the ground in eighteen seconds flat if you don’t know your stuff. That’s why the first thing you should do is play in arcade mode and try out a few characters to see who you feel comfortable with.

Once you find a few characters that you enjoy, you should make it an effort to learn every special move that the character has. Sure, there are plenty of special moves that won’t really help in online play - such as Sindel’s levitation - but it’s always good to thoroughly know your character. Play around with these special moves to see everything you can do with them, and then start to think of different scenarios where that special move would put you at an advantage - such as throwing Reptile’s slow Force Ball at a constantly blocking opponent in order to run in and do a free throw.

The second important thing to learn about your character is the combos. Each character usually has two main combos - aside from Shang Tsung obviously - and several characters have pop-up combos or unintended juggler combos. It’s important to learn these well enough to be able to execute them in the toughest of conditions because pulling off that combo may be the difference between a win and a loss. It’s also important to know the combos of other characters so you’ll know what your opponent plans to do, but we’ll go over that later.

Possibly the most important thing to know about characters with pop-up combos is how to string them to their fullest extent. For example, Sindel has a pop-up combo that goes low kick, then hold down and press high punch three times. When she uppercuts the opponent into the air, you should follow up by jumping into the air for a jump kick and then immediately performing her air fireball for a six hit combo with great damage percentage. Human Smoke also has a pop-up combo that consists of pressing low kick, then low punch, and is followed up by going for a jump kick on the airborne opponent and a quick teleport punch to end the combo. Mixing combos and special moves is something that has to be done to gain a lot of online success.

One last thing to keep in mind when performing combos is that a jumping punch or jumping kick can actually be used to begin a combo. For example, Reptile has a pop-up combo that consists of high punch, high punch, down and low punch. An extra hit can be added if you jump at your opponent with a high punch attack and then enter the proper combo sequence. It may seem like a pain in the ass to practice, but sometimes that extra hit can save your ass. Learn it, practice it, and live by it.

Strategy is important in fighting games, and Ultimate MK3 is no exception. A sound strategy can be built once you understand what - or who - you’re up against. You should learn the characters of the game and what they can do so you aren’t surprised when pitted against them. Even if they’re not someone that you’d see yourself playing, at least pay attention to what they can do when you fight against them. What moves can they pull off without warning that can really swing the fight in their favor? What kind of setup moves should you expect for a combo? How many hits are their combos so you don’t stop blocking prematurely? It’s also a good idea to find out which characters you are weakest against and focus on the best methods to first survive them and later beat them.

If you’ve been doing your homework on the characters, you’ll probably notice that online players normally play in a certain pattern. Try to find out what that pattern is so you can disrupt their strategy and end the game in your favor. Does the guy playing Kabal always duck down and block before going for his Dash move? Does the Scorpion player usually use the Teleport Punch and immediately follow up with a Spear attempt? This is the kind of things that you’re looking for. You may not figure them out during the first round, but just play it safe until you’re certain that you know the pattern. Believe me that pattern players fall to pieces if they’re disrupted.

Unfortunately, not everyone is going to play the game in a fair manner. In the world of the Anonymous Internet, nobody really cares if they screw you over for an easy win. That’s why you also need to study each character and see what type of cheap strategies they can pull off for easy damage.

I’m probably going to catch a lot of heat for this, but the cheapest character in the game is none other than Cyborg Smoke. Be on the lookout for a constant pattern of Teleport Uppercut, followed by a Spear and a five hit combo. Remember that Cyborg Smoke doesn’t have to be on the ground to perform the Teleport Uppercut, and he also has anti-air(he can throw an opponent if both players are in the air). He’s extremely frustrating to deal with, but keep your cool and focus on quick blocking and following up with combos. Try to stay on the ground and be prepared to block quick Teleport Uppercut attempts and Spears.

This is pretty much what you should expect to see when facing Smoke - except this guy is actually really bad as him.

Also, be on the lookout for characters that can perform the same special move repeatedly - like Nightwolf. I promise you that players will attempt to use Nightwolf’s Shoulder Charge all game if they know that it’s going to work - and it’s hard as hell to deal with. I really can’t tell you too many sound strategies to deal with this other than keep your distance and probably use jump kicks to get some damage in. Don’t get cornered, or you’re more than likely screwed unless you can block and follow up with a combo as quickly as possible.

If players do this crap to you, don’t feel bad about throwing it right back at them. Learn what kinds of cheap crap your favorite fighters can pull off just in case this happens, but you should use it only if you’re forced to by someone else being cheap. I think the rule of thumb here is don’t be a dick.

How Not to Be A Douche

Speaking of that, I think it’s pretty important to be a cool player online and refrain from being a douche bag. Sure, it’s pretty enticing to tell someone that you think they’re complete ass, but it won’t get you anywhere. You still lost, and they still think that you suck.

So why bother even commenting unless you want to have a fireside chat about how you think that they overused some move or just plain did you wrong? If you chew someone a new ass in the game, chances are you’ll be spending the next three hours sending messages back and forth calling each other jerk offs and pretty much accomplishing nothing. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got some matches to play. Unless you’ve got time to burn, just deal with it and move on.

But I do understand the desire to go virtual fucknuts on someone who just beat you two rounds in a row with the Smoke Noob Combo - it’s enough to make the Happy Video Game Nerd call someone a bitch. But you’ll just be in the same situation as before: pissed, sending hate-filled messages like Ann Coulter at a Liberal dinner party, and showing the TV how nifty your middle finger is over and over again. It’s just not worth it, kids. Leave the cheapasses to be cheapasses and take the loss.

So what do you do when you’ve got a player that’s a grade-A asshole and is doing some really lame stuff in a game or sending you some hate messages? The simple answer is ignore and avoid him. Try to remember the gamer tag when you’re searching for games or hosting your own. If you run into the dude or he joins your game, bail. He’ll probably keep chasing you for a while or keep making games, but he’ll eventually either get the message and give up or get someone else to play against. That guy sucks anyway, so there’s no reason to hang around him.

There’s going to be a few times where you’re running through the modes at the speed of light and probably won’t realize that you’ve just accepted a game with the jerk off from earlier. So what do you do when you realize that your opponent is that guy and you’re already at the character select screen? You deal with it. It does you no good to quit the match at that point. It counts as a loss for you, it hands the prick an easy win at your expense, and you look as if you’re on the same douche level as that guy. Just hang in there and take him down. It’s probably a good idea to keep the headset off as well.

The last thing I want to talk about is about as controversial in the world of XBL Ultimate MK3 as abortion: quitting out of a match pre-Fatality. This is when a player quits out after he’s been dealt the final blow and Kahn has announced “Finish Him!” Some players feel that Fatalities are still part of the actual fighting and think that it’s wrong to quit pre-Fatality. They’ll even back this up with the fact that they could choose to perform a Mercy instead. Others believe that the match is over either way you look at it and want to leave so they can move onto the next match. You pretty much have to choose your own side on this issue.

These are the methods that I use to survive the world of Ultimate MK3 online. Please keep in mind that I’m hardly an expert; there are plenty of people - g1s included - who hand my ass to me on a nightly basis. But I’ve seen just about everything there is to see after a couple thousand matches online.

Remember to kick ass and have fun!